Deep in the Hida mountains, there is a cave. Once it was sealed with barriers both physical and spiritual. Nature destroyed the spiritual barriers, and human – or perhaps demonic – strength removed the physical. Now it is protected only by its isolation. That which sleeps within has lost interest in the human world, and has no desire to be found.
A finger of light finds its way into the cave, as it does every clear morning. The light has never troubled the sleeper’s rest. A breeze steals into the cave, as it often does. The breeze has never awakened the sleeper either.
Maybe it isn’t the light, or the breeze. Maybe the morning brings something else. An awareness. A faint taste of distant ki. A memory of delights thought lost forever.
Eyes gleam red in the cave’s darkness, and a tiny figure begins to stir.
A very old man, his diminutive body dwarfed by the enormous bundle on his back, jumped out a second-floor window of the Masaki house and bounded across the lawn. “What a haul! What a haul!” he cried in manic glee. A wisp of silk – a delicate pair of panties – slipped from the bundle and floated to the grass. “What a haul!”
“Kisamaaaa!” Ryouko phased through the roof and streaked after the underwear thief like a spirit of vengeance. A bolt of energy flew from her hand… and missed. “Nobody but Tenchi TOUCHES MY PANTIES!!!!!” She gathered more energy as she flew. Bolt after bolt toppled trees, blasted holes in the road… and missed the little pervert altogether.
“So many silky darlings, and a pretty lady too! What a haul!”
Aeka was back home, on Jurai, in the royal gardens, weaving a garland of flowers. Yousho came to her… no, it was Tenchi, proud and handsome in the robes of an imperial prince… he bent his head and she placed the crown of flowers on his brow… you will always be the emperor of my heart, my Tenchi-sama… and then the explosions…
There really were explosions! She could see the flashes from her window, growing more distant. What is that odious woman doing now? she wondered. And why did she think it had something to do with panties? Does a creature like her even wear panties? The first light of dawn was showing in the eastern sky. I don’t suppose it’s any good going back to sleep… and I was having such a lovely dream too. I’ll have to punish her for interrupting me… She got up and went to her dresser, opened her underwear drawer…
“KIYAAA! Tenchi-sama!” Aeka burst out of her room, still in her nightgown, with her long ponytails done up in their nighttime wrappings, and ran for the stairs – and smack into Tenchi. They tumbled to the foot of the stairs in a tangle of arms and legs, as Tenchi twisted so he landed on the bottom, cushioning Aeka’s fall. The landing left them in a very compromising-looking position.
“I used to worry about Tenchi being too shy with women,” began Noboyuki Masaki as he videotaped the scene.
“It’s not what it looks like!” cried Tenchi. “Are you all right, Aeka-san?”
At that moment, the door under the stairs was flung open and Washuu stormed out. She fairly crackled with anger. “Give me back my underwear, you peeping pervert!” she snapped at Noboyuki.
“What?” Noboyuki was, to say the least, confused.
“But Miss Washuu… someone stole my underwear!” Aeka exclaimed.
“I may pay you lovely ladies the compliment of admiring your beauty,” said Noboyuki stiffly, “but I do NOT steal underwear!”
“Maybe it was that old man that Ryouko-neechan flew off after,” Sasami volunteered.
“What old man?” Tenchi asked.
“She was chasing some old man who had a bundle on his back. She was really mad.”
“You won’t get away from me that easily!” The gem in Ryouko’s wrist pulsed with a dull crimson glow. Wisps began to coalesce out of the air, demonic spirits summoned by her power. The wisps merged into a single being, a vast, towering creation of dripping fangs and grasping claws and soul-destroying horror.
“So the pretty lady wants to play rough?” demanded the old man in a harsh voice. There was nothing comical about him now; this was a serious and deadly opponent. His eyes glowed red, and even from his diminutive size he seemed to loom over her. A glow surrounded him. The glow shaped itself into three ferocious dragon heads that snaked out from his body and devoured – devoured – her summoned demon.
“Sorry, pretty lady! Can’t stay and play any more! Got to get to work!” He bounded away again. “What a haul!”
“That little thief should be hunted to the ends of the universe!” Aeka exclaimed. “He should be taken back to Jurai in chains and executed!”
“Fine, if you can catch him,” muttered Washuu. Her fingers were flying over her keyboard as she designed a booby trap to safeguard her underwear from future raids.
“Let’s chase him in Ryo-oh-ki! That sounds like fun!” suggested Sasami.
“Miyaa!”
Katsuhito Masaki looked impassive as always. Tenchi gave a disgusted sigh…
It didn’t look like the temple was used for worship any more. There seemed to be people living in it. He could sense pretty ladies…
The first bedroom he peeped into was occupied by a small, thin young man. Nothing there. He tiptoed into a second room. Its occupant slept peacefully, bedding in perfect order, everything in its place… Humph. Reminds me of Kasumi. That kind’s never any fun. I know there’s more girlies here…
He tried a third bedroom. Ah, this was more like it! A pale-haired gaijin woman, naked (at least what he could see of her)… a drawer crammed with tiny scraps of lace, silk printed in exotic patterns… she writhed seductively in her sleep and he longed to touch her, but sensed that if he did she might wake… he settled for jamming handfuls of the silken wisps into his overflowing sack…
The girl in the fourth bedroom was just getting old enough to be interesting. Her ripening body sprawled on the floor in a litter of empty ice cream containers, manga, tools and electronic gadgets. Her underwear was very utilitarian, though, plain cotton, no frills or ruffles.
“Demonic intruder detected!” Something he had never seen before (and in his long life that was saying plenty), a round-bodied little figure emerged from the shadows. “Halt, intruder!”
The noise woke the girl; she sat up, rubbing her eyes. “Dosh’ta? Banpei?”
The little old man bounded away into the night.
“Demonic intruder detected!” the robot repeated.
“Skuld-chan? Are you all right?” Belldandy came into the room, followed by Keiichi.
She was making adjustments to the robot. “Banpei says there was a demon in here. Maybe it was Mara again.”
“Underwear thief detected. Have location.”
“Underwear thief?” said Keiichi, scratching the back of his head. “That’s not Mara’s style.”
“Gotta chase him! C’n I borrow the bike? C’mon, Banpei!” Skuld ran out of the room; her voice floated back to him. “Thanks, K-1!” There was the sputter of his motorcycle engine starting, and the fading roar of it racing down the hill.
“It doesn’t sound like any of the demons I know about,” Belldandy began hesitantly.
“GYEEEEEEE!” Even several rooms away, the air crackled with Urd’s divine wrath. “Some pervert stole my PANTIES!”
Kiyone had just finished rinsing out her underwear. “Hang these on the hoop, please, Mihoshi?” she asked. “You’re still dressed.”
“Okay, Kiyone.” Mihoshi’s steps crossed the living room; the window slid open.
“Thank you, pretty lady!” It was a harsh, old man’s voice.
“EEEEE! Give those back! Panty thief! Panty thief!” Mihoshi came running in. “Oh Kiyone, some old pervert just grabbed the whole hoop, and my underwear was on there too”
Kiyone sighed. “I’ll file a report with the locals.”
“No, Kiyone! Our honor as Galaxy Police officers demands we catch this criminal ourselves!” She was already changing into her uniform.
Before Kiyone really knew what was happening, she was in the cockpit of their new two-seater battle mecha, lumbering into the streets of Tokyo after a tiny dot that was the fleeing panty thief. We’re supposed to maintain secrecy on this planet… my career is in the toilet… I swear one of these days I am going to KILL that dingbat…
“Oh rats, I’m outta underwear, I’m gonna be really laaaate!” moaned Natsumi.
“There’s clean on the hoop,” Miyuki called from the bathroom door.
“Where’s the HOOP?”
“Idiot, it’s hanging right…” The laundry hoop was gone.
Natsumi looked down, pointed. The hoop was lying on the sidewalk. Empty.
Happousai peered in through the open window. His target sprawled inelegantly on the Western-style bed, mouth open, snoring. The empty bottle on the nightstand told the rest of the story. It should be easy to nip in and grab some of the expensive bits of silk and lace littering the floor, but… warded? He wondered who the drunken woman might be, that she had both the need for such strong wards and the skill to set them. He hadn’t seen such a job since his youth… An alarm clock went off, and the woman sleepily moved to shut it off. Then a second alarm went off, and a third, at approximately five-second intervals, all around the room so she’d have to get up, find each one, and turn it off individually… He sighed with regret. Given time, he could most likely have circumvented the wards, but the alarm clocks…
“Tsujimoto! Kobayakawa!”
“Yes, Captain?”
“All hell’s poppin’ in Shinjuku. We got some little old guy trying to bust into houses after underwear, he might be the same one who hit your place. He’s got a whole horde of housewives after him, plus a girl and an animated tin can on a motorcycle, some kind of mobile suit, and what looks like anyone else who decided to follow the fun, and they’ve snarled traffic for blocks. Nakajima’s on it, I want you girls to give him a hand.”
“Captain?”
“Yes, Yoriko?”
“This perp’s description and MO matches a guy who used to cause problems up in Nerima a few years ago. He’s been out of action for a couple of years; looks like he might be back. And if it is him, he’s big trouble. Almost impossible to catch, he’s a really skilled ninja or something.”
“Noted. We’ll show him what we think of Nerima’s garbage down here.”
“Oi, Ootaki! Get a load of that mecha!”
“Awesome, Tamiya! Whose d’ya think it is?”
“Dunno. Maybe Mizunoikan’s physics club.”
“Hey, ain’t that Skuld on Morisato’s bike?”
“Let’s see what’s goin’ on!”
The chase wound north. The two-seater Galaxy Police mecha lumbered along at the head of a horde of housewives brandishing brooms and garden tools. Skuld and Banpei led a small motorcycle pack consisting of Tamiya, Ootaki, and a young man riding a racing bike, hunched over the handlebars in a supreme effort to keep up, chanting “study study study” under his breath. They were joined by the police, notably a huge white motorcycle and a two-seater police car, and a small, boxy red car that was trying to get ahead of the pack.
Ranma stepped into the garden, savoring the quiet. Nodoka and Akane had gone to the market and Soun was practicing in the dojo. He was alone in the house. All was peace.
He couldn’t believe how calm his life was these days. No more Shampoo crashing through the garden wall, no more Ryouga showing up with crazy challenges. Just practicing with Akane, helping with the classes, training Tetsuo. It’s nice, but… I kinda miss the craziness too. I miss the edge. I miss…
“SWEETO!” Water cascaded over him and something small glomped onto her and nuzzled her bosom, as she was nearly buried in a blizzard of lacy silken…
…panties?!?
“Kuso jijii!” Ranma struck with all her power to the top of Happousai’s head, just as something hit her and slammed her into the wall with blinding light and the smell of ozone and singed cloth and hair…
“Ranma?”
She blinked, focused. A woman was standing on the air over the koi pond. Her head was crowned with spikes of pale cyan, and in her hand she held a ball of flaming energy.
“You know this pervert, Ranma?”
“R-Ryouko?”
There was a droning noise and a light, and then there were five more people in the garden. “Miss Ryouko!” Aeka snapped. “I see you have caught the thief. Now I can return him to Jurai for proper execution!”
“Hey, you two, don’t fight,” Tenchi begged.
“I apologize for the intrusion into your home,” Katsuhito began. But he was cut off by Sasami’s enthusiastic rush.
“Ranma-niichan!” Her hug knocked Ranma down again.
“Miyaa!” Ryo-ohki, transformed back into cabbit shape, jumped to her accustomed perch on Sasami’s head.
“Uh… what’re you guys all doin’ here?” Ranma asked.
And then the garden wall crashed in and a huge Galaxy Police battlemech strode through the gap. The top popped off. “Mihoshi, how many times have I told you not to destroy civilian property!” Kiyone sputtered.
“Oh look, Kiyone! Hi, Ranma! Is this where you live? Is Akane around? Can I meet her?” Mihoshi dismounted from the mecha and fell on her face. Kiyone followed, rather more gracefully.
In all the excitement, everybody had been distracted from the scorched pervert. Now he stirred and began to crawl toward Mihoshi. “Pretty… lady…” he moaned. His way was blocked by a handsome, broad-shouldered man in a white sportcoat, who had come through the gap in the wall and now knelt before the ancient lecher.
Happousai looked up. “Who are you?” he demanded.
There were tears in the newcomer’s eyes. “For you to have so many beautiful women pursuing you, you must truly be a master of mokkori. Please allow me to become your disciple!”
SMASH! A mallet, marked “100 tons,” landed with crushing force on the newcomer’s head. The mallet-wielder was a pretty, slightly mannish woman in an open-collared blouse and tight miniskirt. “You don’t need to learn any more about mokkori, you homo erectus!” She started to drag him off by the collar.
Happousai’s eyes nearly popped out of his head. “Hubba hubba!” He leaped toward her. “Huh?”
The newcomer was on his feet, holding Happousai by his clothing, so fast only Ryouko’s inhuman senses had seen him move, fast enough to snatch the old lecher out of the air in mid-glomp. “If you ever make a move on her again I’ll blow your head off. Get it?” The foolish expression was gone; he looked like a totally different man, glaring at Happousai through narrow, gun-steel eyes.
The woman nodded toward two uniformed Tokyo policewoman and a male motorcycle officer who were just arriving. “Come on, Ryou, nobody’s paying us so let’s let the cops have this one. ’Kay?” She led him back through the gap. A car started and drove away.
Ranma blinked. “That guy’s good! Who the hell is he?”
Nobody seemed to know.
That was educational, Kintaro Oe said to himself as he scribbled in his notebook, next to hasty sketches of the old pervert, the robot, the little rabbit-like animal, and several of the prettier women – in particular the silver-haired goddess and the dripping-wet buxom redhead. That was absolutely educational.
A shadow fell across his notebook. He saw a delicate, feminine foot tapping. His eyes traveled slowly up trim legs to the slim skirt and crisp blouse of a policewoman. She was a vision of loveliness, perhaps a little slim-hipped for his taste, but her blouse swelled out nicely, and a tumble of soft brown curls framed a delicately lovely, gentle face.
“Was I blocking traffic?” he asked. Hastily he stowed his notebook in his backpack and sprang to his feet. “Gomen nasai, Officer… Futaba!” He managed to combine his bow of apology with a close look at her nametag – and at that glorious bosom. “Gomen nasai!”
I had no idea police officers looked like that, he thought to himself as he pedaled away. How very educational! Study study study study…
“Akane-chan?” Nodoka asked. “Are those police cars at the house?”
“What in the world…” Akane exclaimed. The garden wall was smashed and there was a police car parked next to the hole, and one of the big white police motorcycles. There were a couple more motorbikes too, one an ancient machine with a sidecar, and there seemed to be a lot of people around. Shampoo? I knew I was taking a chance writing to Mousse… but there’s no way he could have gotten the letter yet. “What’s that baka done this time? We never had the police before!”
“Be careful,” Nodoka urged. “Maybe something’s really wrong.”
“Maybe. You’d better stay back, Okaasan. Can you take these?”
“Of course, dear.”
Akane handed Nodoka the bags of groceries, and stepped through the gap in the wall straight into chaos.
The place was full of strange people. Ranma, in girl-form, was indiscriminately and enthusiastically hugging a young man about his own age, a voluptuous woman who wore her hair in cyan spikes, and a little girl with long pale ponytails, while simultaneously trying to break up an argument among a Tokyo policewoman, a vapid blonde in an unfamiliar uniform, and a strangely-dressed lady with long purple-black tresses. Her father, who looked pale and confused, was being taken in hand and settled down to a shogi game by an elderly Shinto priest.
The cause of the smashed wall stood in one corner of the garden, being looked over by another group of strangers. A… mecha, right out of an anime… was being shown off by a woman with long green-black hair, in the same unfamiliar uniform as the blonde. Her audience was two more cops, one another policewoman, this one with a long braid, and a motorcycle officer. A cute, furry cat, I have to get it out of here before Ranma sees it, no, it’s not a cat, it’s a rabbit? was nuzzling something that looked like a white bunny with eight legs. Two young girls were arguing over the creatures: a black-haired girl in a short dress, with strange marks on her face, and a green-eyed redhead. The commotion had already drawn some spectators: two enormous men and their voluptuous white-haired woman companion were peering in through the hole in the garden wall.
“Will someone please tell me just WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?”
Ranma looked over and saw Akane, the blue glow of her battle aura forming around her. “Eep,” she said, springing away from Ryouko. She grabbed Tenchi with one hand and Sasami with the other. “It’s not what it looks like,” she stammered. “Remember I told you ’bout the people I was stayin’ with? Well, this is Tenchi, and this is Sasami. My wife, Akane.” My wife. Wow. That still feels so…
Sasami giggled. “That sounds so weird when you’re a girl, Ranma-niichan.”
Tenchi bowed. “I am honored to meet you, Saotome-san. Tenchi Masaki, at your service, and please allow me to apologize for intruding into your home.” He turned to Ranma. “So it turned out okay, huh?” he grinned.
“Is it safe to come in, dear?” Nodoka peered through the hole in the wall.
“Ofukuro!” Ranma waved. “Yeah, it’s okay. You guys gotta meet my mom too! What’re you doin’ here anyway?”
“Well, some little old pervert stole the girls’ underwear and Ryouko took off after him, and he hit a bunch of other places and they started chasing him…”
Ranma laughed. “That’s pretty much what always happens with Jijii.”
Akane seized on the one thing that made sense in all the confusion: the tiny, wizened figure of Happousai, trying to burrow into the blonde’s bosom. “Ojiisan… do you mean this mess is ALL YOUR FAULT?” A sudden breeze whipped everyone’s clothing; her aura cast blue shadows over the wrecked garden. Ryouko looked startled; Aeka stepped in front of Tenchi and Sasami.
“Akane-chan… you wouldn’t deprive an old man of his few simple pleasures, would you? I only wanted to spend my final days with my best student…”
“I ain’t your student, y’old freak!” Ranma snarled.
“Happousai…” Akane’s aura-light glinted from the blade of Nodoka’s katana.
“Dry up and DIE!!” Akane’s foot lashed out, and all that could be seen of the ancient master was a spinning blur, vanishing into the heavens, with a last gleam of sun from his bald head.
NOTES, EXPLANATIONS ETC.
And the music comes up (Ja ja uma sasanaide, reprised) and the scene fades to black. So endeth the story of Ranma’s resurrection. You don’t think I’d really leave him with “happily ever after,” do you? If you don’t understand what the Tenchi cast is doing here, well, it relates to a story earlier in this continuity that I’m still working on. Be patient, everybody, all will be explained eventually…
I got the idea for the scene at the Masaki house, and then well, it started turning into “how many different anime series can I cram into this sucker?” I also conveniently erased the distance between Okayama and Tokyo without explanation and gleefully ignored most of what I know about Tokyo geography; perhaps Washuu left a stray spacewarp lying about. Oh well, it’s an omake, so I’m allowed to be as silly as I want, ne?
Happi’s victims include: every female member of the regular Tenchi cast except Sasami; the three goddesses from Aa Megamisama (well, minus Belldandy – I mean, Happi never swiped Kasumi’s undies either), Natsumi and Miyuki from You’re Under Arrest. The house he couldn’t break into was Ayaka Kisaragi’s from Yuu-Gen-Kai-Sha – too bad Ayaka-san was too hung over to join in the chase… As for the rest of the pursuers, they are Tamiya and Ootaki from AMG, Kintaro from Golden Boy – I couldn’t resist having him run into Aoi – and of course Happi’s would-be disciple, my favorite “man among men,” the one and only Ryo Saeba. Kaori’s “homo erectus” remark is stolen from an old fansub of A Magnum of Love’s Destination; ADV has translated the line differently but I thought it was too good to lose.
I made up Mihoshi and Kiyone’s mecha; it’s something like the one Mihoshi has in the TV series but seats two. Mizunoikan comes from Daigakusei no Ranma.