Extra! Extra! Governor Oukubo assassinated!”
The newspapers blew around him like sakura petals.
“Then do you think you can kill people?” Katsura had asked.
And a fourteen-year-old boy, naïve and afire with idealism, had answered “If there can be a new era that will allow people to live peacefully in return for taking lives that fall victim to my bloodstained sword, then…”
Then. The shadow assassin, raining blood on the streets of Kyoto in the night. The guard, protecting men like Katsura from the other side’s assassins. Tobafushimi, dancing effortlessly through the Shinsengumi while the new rifles and cannon blazed around him, and afterwards, the red-lit field littered with bodies, dismembered, bleeding, groaning, the stink of gunpowder and blood and excrement… he had stuck his katana into the ground and walked away from killing forever. Until now.
A new era that will allow people to live peacefully…
A nation where people will decide their own fate…
He stood in the center of Nihonbashi, at the point from which all distances from the capital were measured, while news-sheets blew around him like falling sakura.
I can't pretend
Not to love the things you do or say
There had been another city once, and another bridge. He hadn’t been alone then, a woman had been with him, a woman who had wrapped him in her calm peace and given him a refuge from blood and fire and madness, and now as the city burned around them he had his orders to escape, to live with her quietly in the countryside, posing as husband and wife. A chance to live out a dream of peace, if only for a little. “Let’s not just do it for cover-up… both of us…” he had said to her…
I didn't wanna let you in
But she too had been a victim of the madness of that time, his own actions had caused her to become caught up in his enemies’ twisted plots and she had died in the snow, in his arms, cut down by his own blade, his own hand…
I didn't wanna fall again
Forward thirteen years, to an evening in early spring. He had been looking for an inexpensive inn, or better than that an abandoned building where he could spend the night. Fog was rising off the canals that ran through the neighborhood; the shrouded streets were nearly deserted. He paid little attention to the footstep, the faint sense of presence, behind him. He had never been to Edo in the old days, never rained blood on its streets. It was unlikely that an enemy would be following him here…
“Hitokiri Battousai!” A woman’s voice, slicing the evening fog as a blade slices flesh. Careful. Stay in control. Turn slowly. Bokken. Good stance. Hakama. Black ponytail, ribbon. A girl? Who is she, that she knows me?
You look my way
She hadn’t known him, it had been mere coincidence. Someone using his name, his reputation. As she told him about her family’s school, he looked at the names on the wall. No master and no students, only her name as shihandai. Only this girl with her blazing spirit, singlehandedly carrying on the legacy of the sword that protects life.
Without a word I seem to understand
While disposing of Goheh’s men hadn’t taken him any time, getting answers out of Nishiwaki had – and then there had been the time it took to get back to Kaoru’s dojo, and Goheh was already there, the man-mountain who had injured her once already. She had fought back this time too, he noted, even though she had no chance against his massive strength.
“Are you with the little girl on this ‘sword that protects life’ business?” Goheh had sneered.
With that, something turned to steel inside him, not the impersonal cold of the hitokiri who lived only to kill, but something sharp and strong as his sakabatou’s cutting edge, and he answered the big man with his shishou’s words. “A sword is a deadly weapon. Kenjutsu is the art of killing. Whatever pretty name you use, that is still the reality. Kaoru-dono’s words are those of someone who has never defiled her hands. An idealistic joke. But I like Kaoru-dono’s naïve joke better than the truth. If I might ask, from now on I would like the world to adopt that joke as reality.”
It all started then… is that when I began to love her? Or was it…
You can take my breath away
“This is a stronger form of the ‘One-Sided Heart,’” Jin’eh had said. “Stronger to the point where it begins to paralyze the lungs. She has about two minutes. It won’t be as easy to break as it was last night. Death by strangulation isn’t pretty. The corpse salivates, and the bowels relax.”
To do that to her… simply to force him to fight… the old bloodlust awoke in his heart and the world was suddenly a place of sharp edges and flat, brilliant colors, nothing real except the enemy and the steel…
“I have no desire to give you such a gift. But to protect Kaoru-dono, I will be the hitokiri once again.”
And impossibly…
“Kenshin!!! DAMEEE!!!!”
And in your arms I'm not afraid
He caught her as she fell from the platform. She opened her eyes, even in the moonlight like the endless blue of the sky, and smiled at him. “Daijoubu… de gozaru yo.”
There's a million stars out tonight
A million reasons to look in your eyes
The fireflies swarmed around him like stars, and she was standing in the road, waiting.
So before I go
I just want you to know
There were so many reasons why he should go. She was seventeen, with no family to look out for her, and he was still a young man. If he stayed under her roof, gossip would assume they were lovers; it would ruin her chances for a respectable marriage. There would be a different kind of gossip if his true identity became known; a false Battousai had already driven away her students and damaged her school’s reputation almost beyond repair. For her to live openly with the true wearer of that name was courting destruction. And then too, he still had enemies; the friends and family of those whose blood he had spilled would not hesitate to strike at those close to him.
He was too stained to accept what she offered so innocently…
So many reasons for him to go, and none why he should stay. But his hand had moved almost without his willing it, sliding the door closed, walling himself inside the dojo with her.
“I am a rurouni. I never know where or when I might wander. But if you don’t mind, I’ll impose on you for a while.”
Forever in my heart
A stationary target is easier to hit than a moving one, and sometimes friends can be as dangerous as enemies. During the years he spent wandering, the men he had guarded during the Bakumatsu had risen to high positions in the government, and some still remembered him. But none of them had ever understood his reasons for leaving after Tobafushimi. They still saw the world in terms of power, whether it was the power of a sword or the power of the newly-formed state, while all he had ever cared about was the happiness of ordinary people.
“Without the power of the government, in this Meiji era there’s nothing one sword can accomplish!” Yamagata exploded.
He smiled, and placed his hand on Kaoru’s shoulder. “As long as people notice one sword, I can protect them. I am no different than I was in the old days, except that ‘hitokiri’ has become ‘rurouni.’” He had fought, killed, nearly destroyed his own soul for that dream… and now it was in danger again. And once again, his sword was all that stood between the new era and bloody madness. As rurouni or as hitokiri… the skill and the responsibility were his alone.
Forever you will stay
“This is terrible! I’ll never forgive you for this! Come back here!” Kaoru chased him through the streets in outrage over her bloodstained ribbon.
Until I die, I’ll be the rurouni who does not kill…
I had hoped to be able to hold onto that… but stopping Shishio is more important than my peace. Even if I have to kill him… even if I can never return… even if I throw away my life…
Forever I'll be thankful
Because you made me feel this way
“Governor Oukubo was killed this morning,” he said to her.
“Yes… I saw the papers.”
“The real killer was one of Shishio’s followers. I cannot leave Shishio alone after this. I’m going to Kyoto.” The wind blew around them, chilly for mid-May.
Forever in my dreams
Forever you will be
“Thank you for everything you’ve done… and farewell. I am a rurouni. I will wander once again.”
Forever I will love you
Cause you're the only one who can set my spirit free
He walked away into the night.
“Kenshin!”
He had never wanted anything so much as he wanted to run to her, to take her in his arms, kiss her, tell her he would never leave again.; Her cry pierced him, more painful than Saitou’s Gatotsu. But… what kind of life will she have if Shishio succeeds in his mad plan? Kaoru, Yahiko, Megumi, Sano, Tae, Tsubame, Gensai-sensei and the little girls… it was so that ordinary people could live in peace that I became a killer. If there is a way to stop Shishio without killing, I will, but if not… Saitou was right. A hitokiri is a hitokiri. He walked on, into darkness.
Only time will reveal
If we'll be together once again
“Hmm,” Hiko said. “So to put it simply, this man called Makoto Shishio is plotting to take over Japan. You, on the other hand, are slowly reverting to Hitokiri Battousai. You want to defeat Shishio without becoming the hitokiri – in other words, you need to be stronger than you are now. Well, you know what they say, he who runs after two hares won’t catch either one.”
“Master!” It was a mistake to come here, Shishou never understood…
“I’m sure I taught you this. A sword is a weapon. Kenjutsu is the art of killing. Whatever pretty words you use, this is its true nature. Your own foolish ideals, or today’s harsh realities – whatever you’re trying to protect, it’s complete selfishness.”
And then Misao and Yahiko burst in, followed by…
We must always believe
Believe that what we feel is real
He didn’t quite understand why Shishou had changed his mind, something he had seen in Kaoru or Yahiko perhaps… or maybe he’d intended to teach me this all along and just wanted to make me suffer first… anyway, there they were in front of the waterfall. Shishou always picks confined places with bad footing…
“If you bear your burden alone and protect others by sacrificing yourself, the Meiji era will not be easy for you. Likewise, it will not be easy to gain happiness alone. If you fall victim here, the girl who came all the way to Kyoto just to see you will be left miserable alone.”
“Master, you don’t mean –”
“Remember this. No matter how strong you are, you’re only human. The Buddha has no need of violence. I’m through talking. Let’s get started.”
There's a million stars out tonight
On the Aoiya roof, beneath the stars, Kaoru held out the jar of medicine that Megumi had given her. “I keep missing my chance to give it to you, but I brought it for Megumi. Her wishes that you’ll be safe. It’s not just me and Megumi. Everyone wants you to come out of this all right. So…”
It amazed him that people could care for him so much, even knowing what he had been. Though they don’t know everything. If they knew… would they still wish for me to come out of this all right? Would she, if she knew all of what I’ve done?
A million reasons to look in your eyes
The Arai family, who entrusted me with the true reverse blade… Master Hiko, who taught me the secret technique Amakakeru Ryuu no Hirameki… the friends far away… and all the friends gathered here – now it depends on my heart. There’s nothing to fear–
So before I go
I really want you to know
And as he was setting out for Shishio’s fortress with Sano and Saitou, Kaoru called to him. “Kenshin, we’ll all go back to Tokyo together.” Her eyes begged him to agree, it was the same as before when she’d given him her ribbon.
“Aa!” he promised, putting on his brightest, most confident rurouni-smile, knowing there was almost no chance of it being as she wished, but he was unable to disappoint her. At least my last sight of her will be a smile, not tears…
Forever in my heart
Forever you will stay
“Did you know this, Aoshi? Misao-dono has named herself Okashira of the Oniwabanshuu. After you fought with Okina, she took on the responsibilities of the Okashira in your place to protect Kyoto and the Oniwabanshuu.”
“Misao is a strong girl,” Aoshi replied. “I don’t think she should have anything to do with the Oniwabanshuu, but she’ll do fine on her own.” A shadow of doubt had come into his icy eyes…
“Then did you know this strong girl wept when I promised to bring you back? No matter how strong she is, she’s only sixteen. She must have been desperate, in the midst of a harsh reality. There’s no one else in the world who can honestly answer for those tears. Or are you still trying to run away from reality, Aoshi!!” He grabbed at the kodachi; blood spurted from his slashed hand. “Are you going to pretend you have to prove you’re the strongest for those four so you can run away in death? Take back your strong heart! And call back your lost honor! The time that stopped at Kanryuu’s mansion moves now! The time to awaken is now!”
Forever I'll be thankful
Because you made me feel this way
Soujirou sat up; the ever–present smile didn’t quite disguise the effort it cost him. “Himura-san, you were the one who was right, weren’t you?”
He could so easily have been me… if I’d been found by someone like Shishio… “If winning and being strong makes you right, then it’s Shishio you should believe. If you could find the truth by fighting once or twice, everyone’s way of living would be right. The true answer comes not by fighting but by living your life, as you atone for your sins.” I still don’t know if that’s enough of an answer… but it’s all I have…
“You’re a harsh man, Himura-san…”
“Am I…” Death is lighter than a feather…
“You wouldn’t let me have a simple answer. You’re much harsher than Shishio-san.”
And atonement is heavier than a mountain…
Forever in my dreams
Shishio loomed over him as he knelt clutching his bleeding, bitten shoulder. “After all, in this world the flesh of the weak is the food of the strong. The strong live, the weak die.”
“Those words… This is where Soujirou learned them…
“They’re the words I ground into Soujirou, but they don’t just apply to swordplay. They’re divine providence. The weak have a duty in life to become food for the strong. Scum that doesn’t become food has no right to exist. The strongest of all gains the top. The Meiji government is weak and doesn’t have the capacity to hold supremacy. I alone can. My coup will be a godsend for the country. The strong live, the weak die. That’s why you, the hitokiri, passed through the storm of blood that was the Bakumatsu. Can’t you understand that when you disobey this law, all your effort is in vain?”
I didn’t fight for power, I fought for a world where ordinary people could live their lives… if he wins everything I ever did will be useless… “The people you call food are the people who survived the violence of those times and now live in a word at peace. They shouldn’t have to sacrifice their lives to anyone or anything. If you want to plunge them back into violence, for whatever reason, I cannot accept that.” The world vanished in fiery explosion…
Forever you will be
He was dimly aware of Shishio rising slowly, but he couldn’t move, could barely breathe. He could feel his life running out of his body, out of the bitten gouge in his shoulder, out of the stab in his gut, out of all the wounds he had taken this day. My entire body is exhausted… and I’m losing a lot of blood… I’ve felt death near many times, but this is the first… this is true death. But Shishio’s lost almost all his strength as well. How many years later will he recover? Even if he comes back again, the ones who bear the next age should be able to stop him. So the mission entrusted to me… will end here. To protect this country… to protect this city… and…
Kenshin… He could see her in his mind, kneeling there in her flowered kimono. A good vision to take to the next world…
That brought back the image of Shishou, harsh and uncompromising as ever. If you sacrifice yourself now, a girl who came all the way from Tokyo just to see you will be very unhappy.
Shishio was a demon, screaming, foaming at the mouth, red steam rising from his bandages, his sword raised… this was the end…
Kaoru’s face, bright–eyed and hopeful. Let’s go home to Tokyo together, okay? Let’s go home…
“I can’t die! There’s no reason for me to die here! There’s still someone waiting for me to come back!”
Forever I will love you
Driven by a need to reconcile what he could, he left the Aoiya in the quiet of early morning to visit a grave at a small, rundown temple. He brought flowers and incense; and washed the stone and made his offering as his master watched.
“The person who sleeps here, whom I killed with my own hands during my days as Hitokiri Battousai – Kyoto brings back strong memories of her. So I tried to stay away, but… Finally… I resolved to offer flowers at her grave.”
Someday… I’ll have to tell Kaoru about her…
Cause you're the only one who can set my spirit free
And at last, home. Tokyo. Asakusa. The Kamiya Dojo. Kaoru’s home. But… outside the gate, he hesitated.
“What’s wrong?” she asked him.
“It’s nothing… I didn’t want to involve you in the dangers of the Battousai within me, but after three months of being a vagabond, I find myself here. It’s a little strange for some reason, to be returning with you as if it were natural.”
Her only response was to extend her hand, and to say his name. “Kenshin… welcome home.”
It startled him. Even after all they had faced, all he had borne for her sake, even knowing how she felt, the trust and welcome and love in her eyes was something he could not quite accept, even though he knew in his heart he would never be able to refuse it. Sano and Megumi watched him with knowing smirks; Yahiko looked ready to burst into cheers.
He smiled; the only possible victory in this contest was complete surrender. And so he stepped forward, toward Kaoru and his waiting friends.
“Tadaima.”
NOTES, EXPLANATIONS ETC.
I saw the beginning of Kyoto-hen on a spring night full of fireflies, and the goodbye scene made me think of this song. I haven’t been able to get it out of my head since. Couldn’t think of a real fic, so it ended up being just a string of images, with some introspection thrown in.
It’s actually duty, not atonement, that is heavier than a mountain… just a little poetic license…
Finally, I have no idea who holds the rights to the song “Forever In My Heart.” It’s found on the City Hunter Best Collections CD, but the credits are all in Japanese.