While on the road to Sairaag as unjustly accused fugitives, we happened to join a circus to get something to eat. Problem was that Misao was the star of a skit called The Death of the Abominable Fiend Kaoru Kamiya! How many times do I have to say that isn’t true?! Then a guy who had a beef with the show’s leader tried to wreck things, and then Sanosuke put his two mon’s worth in. Fine with me! And while we had to take some liberties with the plot of the skit, we brought the house down! Anyway, we’re back on the road to Sairaag. I wonder what else is waiting for us? I kinda hope we can stay out of trouble, but…

FIREBALL!

Kaoru blasted a troop of bounty hunters. She leaned on her bokken, breathing hard.

“That makes ten groups of heroes you’ve bagged today, Kaoru-san!” Misao chirped.

Kenshin danced through another dozen, felling them all with what looked like a single sweep of his sakabatou.

“Okay, and that’s eleven.” Misao made another mark on her tally.

A middle-aged man in a battered slouch hat and brown, belted trenchcoat stomped up to them. “Hear me, Kaoru Kamiya!” he announced, waving a jitte in her face. “I, Inspector Zenigata, am taking you in!”

“Number twelve for the day,” Kaoru sighed. “I wish they’d lay off. They’re all starting to sound alike.”

“It’s kind of repetitious,” Misao agreed.

“Hey! Don’t ignore me! I said you’re under arrest!” yelled the outraged Zenigata.

“Right, okay, whatever.”

DIEM WING!

A blast of wind picked up the police inspector and sent him sailing toward the horizon.

“Shoulda left us alone, Tottsan,” Yahiko smirked.

“Day before yesterday we had seven,” Misao read from her tally. “Yesterday there were ten. If we go into Sandoria we’ll have forty or fifty to deal with.”

“And Sandoria is full of heroes and bounty hunters after the sea dragon,” Kenshin pointed out.

“We could always cross the Mountains of Tears to get to Sairaag,” Yahiko offered.

“Cross the Mountains of Tears!?” Kaoru exclaimed, imagining the howling gales, snow-choked passes, and bottomless ravines of the forbidding mountains. “We’ve got justice freaks, heroes, bounty hunters, Sanosuke, Katsu, and Cephied-knows-what-else after us and you want to cross the Mountains of Tears??!”

“Oi!” Yahiko managed to block Kaoru’s bokken with a passable shirahadori. “Che, forget I said it, okay?”

FIREBALL!

Without missing a beat, Kaoru turned and blasted another group of would-be heroes. “Okay,” she went on, “so we all agree that we have to get a ship from Sandoria.”

“But how are we gonna get past a town full of people after us?”

Kaoru thought hard. She pictured the wanted posters. Katsu had done a great job of giving sweet, inoffensive Kenshin a villainous expression. It made him look like a hitokiri. Everyone’s going to be looking for a fierce swordsman… She grinned, “Kenshin? Come here a minute.”

“Oro?”

High in the Mountains of Tears, two adventurers struggled against the impossible conditions.

“Hurry, Sano,” Katsu urged.

“I know!” the tall fighter retorted. “They’ll have to cross these mountains, so we’ll wait for them and this time…” He broke off as he slipped on the ice-covered trail.

“I know how eager you are, but watch your step.” Katsu grabbed his wrist and caught him before he plummeted into the abyss.

The port city of Sandoria was papered with Katsu’s wanted posters, just like every other town this side of Seyruun. However, here there was also a wanted poster for a great sea-dragon, pictured in the act of destroying a ship.

A little procession walked past the posters, along the length of the dock. First came a woman with long hair tied back from her face, wearing a white gown with a rather outlandish blue overdress. Earrings like rings of keys dangled from her ears and a matching necklace gleamed above the neckline of her dress, but oddest of all was the blue “third eye” mark on her face and the blue-bordered headdress, more than a ribbon but not quite a turban. Following her was a redhead in an open-collared white blouse and tight blue skirt, a sake-flask swinging at her waist. Third came a younger girl wearing a lace-collared dress of a purple so dark it was nearly black. Bringing up the rear was a black-suited priest with a long braid down his back. Women, particularly attractive ones, weren’t an everyday sight on the docks, and idle sailors and longshoremen turned to give appreciative stares.

Kaoru turned around. “It turned out even better than I thought,” she remarked.

“Yeah, Himura-san and Yahiko make really cute girls,” Misao agreed.

“Orororo…” the redhead sighed.

“Che, dressin’ us up like a coupla dolls,” Yahiko grumbled.

“But all those heroes are after Kaoru Kamiya the mahoutsukai and Kenshin Himura the swordsman,” Kaoru explained. “Nobody will ever suspect three beautiful sisters and their chaperon. Just watch the way I act and you won’t go wrong. Now to find a ship! Ayaka, Hotaru, Father Maxwell – come on!”

“Ororoooo…” Kenshin moaned. Shishou, Kenshin firmly told himself. Act like a female version of Shishou. Unfortunately, the sake flask he carried was empty. A drink – several drinks – would have made it much easier.

“Your sacrifice won’t be in vain, so quit complaining!” Kaoru told the reluctant males.

“It’s for the cause of Justice, so deal with it!” exclaimed Misao.

They boarded the first vessel they saw, an imposing three-master with a smartly-uniformed crew. The captain’s uniform gleamed with gold braid. Everything on the deck gleamed, immaculately polished.

“We’re looking for passage to Sairaag,” Kaoru explained. “Our dear mother is ill so we’re trying to return home. I’m sure that the dragon would hesitate to attack such a strong ship.”

“I’m sorry, Miss,” the captain said. “I can’t risk my ship and crew. Until one of these heroes manages to kill the dragon, you’ll have a hard time finding a ship willing to leave port.”

It was the same story at the next three ships they visited. Tall-masted sailing ships and many-oared galleys, all were afraid to leave the safe harbor of Sandoria.

“Maybe we shoulda gone across the Mountains of Tears,” Yahiko grumbled. “We’ll never get to Sairaag at this rate. And I’m hungry.”

“All right, we’ll get something to eat and try something else. Maybe we can charter a fishing boat or something.”

They settled on an inexpensive restaurant called the Akabeko, whose sign advertised gyuu-nabe. The hostess greeted them and showed them to a booth, where a cute waitress – who looked enough like Yahiko’s feminine guise to be his sister – took their orders.

“No, Yahiko!” Misao hissed. “Try to act like a lady!”

Yahiko blinked. “Huh? But Busu said to act like her.”

Misao looked at Kaoru, gobbling her food like it was going to disappear, and face-faulted.

“Oh my, you have really healthy appetites,” the cute waitress said. “Can I get you any more?”

Yahiko turned bright pink.

The hostess came up to their table. “Ara… are you the people who were looking for passage to Sairaag?”

Kaoru sniffed. “That’s right. I’ve been so worried about our dear mother that I can’t even eat!”

“Ara?” The woman’s eyebrow quirked as she looked at the pile of empty dishes on the table.

“Sis, you shouldn’t eat so much!” Kaoru admonished Yahiko.

Yahiko sweatdropped. Quit passin’ the blame!

“The sea dragon has been attacking ships one after another,” the hostess went on. “So until one of these heroes slays it, there aren’t any ships setting sail. Except maybe…”

“What? Is there one?” Kaoru asked.

“Well, you might try the Soyokaze.”

The little procession headed back up the pier, again to the appreciative gaze of idle seamen and dock workers. The Soyokaze was in the very last berth. Kaoru and Misao sweatdropped when they saw her. She was the most unprepossessing tub they had ever seen. Her paint was blistered and peeling, her brasswork tarnished and her sails patched. The crew – at least Kaoru assumed they were the crew, since none wore anything resembling a uniform – lounged about doing whatever they felt like.

Misao stared. “It looks like nobody’s in charge.”

Up in the rigging, one of the crewmen noticed the girls. When he caught sight of Kenshin’s long red mane and tight skirt, his eyes nearly popped out of his head. “Hubba hubba!” he whistled, and jumped down to land with a loud thump directly in front of the party. “Need any dragons killed today, Miss? I, Mickey Cryburn, will slay it with one blow!”

Kenshin sweatdropped. So did Kaoru, Yahiko, and Misao. For all the bandit gangs they had been fighting for weeks, this “hero” looked like he could whip the worst of them single-handed. He was tall, muscular, and far from attractive, his tanned and weathered skin seamed with the scars of many battles. His head was shaved except for a strip of silver hair, standing up brush-straight down the middle of his scalp. Bandit-like, he wore a few odd pieces of mismatched armor – a pair of epaulets clumsily attached to his tunic to keep them from sliding, vambraces covering his forearms, and cuisses around his muscular thighs. They had all been enameled the sickening pink of digestive medicine, in an unsuccessful effort to disguise the fact that pieces of metal had been badly riveted into them to give a better fit.

Misao gave an embarrassed laugh. “No… we’d just like to speak with your captain.”

“Are you ladies looking for passage?” A sleepy-eyed young man came up to them.

Misao looked him up and down. “We’d like to speak with the captain.”

The young man rubbed the back of his head. “That would be me.”

“You’re the captain?” Yahiko’s eyes raked him up and down. He wore a long white coat with a yellow badge bearing the emblem of a smiling face, but no other insignia of office, and seemed too young to have the responsibility of command.

“That’s right,” the man smiled. “Justy Ueki Tylor, age 20.”

Misao sweatdropped again. The things I do for Justice… “I’m Duo Maxwell, priest of Cephied. Ayaka, Kasumi and Hotaru are sisters in my care. Their mother in Sairaag is gravely ill, and they simply must reach her. We journeyed to Sandoria in hopes of obtaining passage, but it seems that every captain is afraid to set sail on account of the sea dragon.”

Tylor smiled. “Have no fear, ladies. The Soyokaze is at your service! Cryburn, show these ladies and Father Maxwell to their cabin!”

“It’s a tub!” Yahiko protested. “A dragon would be ashamed to bother it!”

“But isn’t that good de gozaru ka?” Kenshin asked. “If it means we get to Sairaag in one piece?”

“Yeah, if it don’t sink,” the boy scoffed.

“I don’t really like it either,” Misao grumbled. “I’ve never seen anyone more irresponsible than that captain. The rest of the crew doesn’t look very reliable either. That Cryburn!” She shuddered.

“We don’t have much choice,” Kaoru pointed out. “It’s either this or go back and try to cross the Mountains of Tears. I don’t think I could Ray Wing all the way to Sairaag by myself, let alone carrying one of you.”

“I couldn’t do it,” Misao admitted. “But what do we do if the sea dragon really shows up?”

Kaoru fussed with her ruffles. “Um, I…”

Kenshin smiled. “You haven’t thought of it de gozaru ka?”

Kaoru gave a sheepish smile. “That’s right. But we don’t know if it’ll show up or not, so no use worrying about it.”

And then they were at their cabin, and a beaming Cryburn flung open the door. “Ladies, your cabin!”

Kenshin stopped. “This is…”

Kaoru gasped. “It’s the girliest-looking room I’ve ever seen!”

From ceiling to floor, the cabin was pink. Curtains, bed, tables, everything was covered in pink ruffles. Wooden cutouts had been placed over the portholes to give them the shape of hearts. The beds were heaped with ruffled pillows and cuddly stuffed animals. Feminine clothing, ranging from the absurdly beruffled to the indecently slinky, stuffed the closet.

Yahiko’s eyes bugged out. “We gotta sleep here?”

Cryburn, who had disappeared, came back with his arms full of roses. “Ayaka-san, don’t you like it?”

Shishou. “Never in all my life,” he began, and stopped. Kaoru was glaring at him, her hand clenched on her bokken. And Cryburn was looking at him with hurt-puppy eyes. He dropped his gaze. “Daijoubu,” he said. “It’s fine.” It’s not that far to Sairaag…

In the cramped confines of the ship, it wasn’t easy for Kenshin to escape Cryburn’s attentions. It didn’t help that Kaoru, Yahiko and Misao all found his predicament hilarious. It was easy for them to laugh; Misao’s disguise as a male priest put her off limits, and the crew – Cryburn included – took Kaoru and Yahiko at face value and treated them like a pair of goddesses.

“Are you feeling all right, Ayaka-san?” Cryburn asked as he spotted Kenshin standing at the rail, gazing toward Sairaag.

Kenshin blinked. “Yes, thank you – just a little hot.” He wasn’t hot at all; he felt a little chilly. He wasn’t accustomed to having his legs bare, and the tight skirt was decidedly uncomfortable.

“Oh, I agree!” Cryburn agreed enthusiastically. “I much prefer being outdoors. The touch of the wind feels so…” He dropped to his knees in front of the startled rurouni. “Ayaka-san… there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you ever since we left port. Would you be my bride?”

Kenshin stared. He couldn’t believe what he heard. At last he managed a choked, whispered “Oro?”

“My bride,” Cryburn repeated.

“ORO?”

“MY BRIDE!”

Kenshin was too taken aback to react.

“It’s love at first sight,” Cryburn insisted. “We could have the wedding right here on the ship. Your sisters could be your attendants, and the captain could perform the ceremony – no, let’s have Father Maxwell, it’ll be so much more meaningful with a priest – and then…”

Kenshin’s eyes spun in dizzy spirals.

Cryburn patted his shoulder. “It’s sudden, I know. You don’t have to say yes now, Ayaka-san. Give me your answer tomorrow.”

“Omedetou!” Kaoru, Misao and Yahiko emerged from their nearby hiding place, applauding. “She’s decided to get married at last!”

“Kaoru-dono…” Kenshin moaned.

“Okay, bad joke,” Kaoru apologized. “But Cryburn sounded really serious.”

“What are we going to do about it de gozaru ka?”

Kaoru fiddled with her necklace. “Well, the only thing we can do is…”

“Oro?” Kenshin asked hopefully.

“Give up and have you marry Cryburn!” she and Misao chorused.

Misao laid her hand on Kenshin’s head. “Bless you, my daughter,” she intoned.

“If anything happens to Cryburn they might turn the ship around, and then we’ll be back where we started,” Kaoru pointed out.

“SEA DRAGON!”

They looked up. The lookout in the crow’s nest was pointing and shouting. “SEA DRAGON!”

It rose from the water, taller than the mainmast, with an enormous fanged maw and viciously claw-tipped wings and forelegs.

“Wow, it really came,” Kaoru whispered.

“Sessha didn’t mean to invite it de gozaru yo,” Kenshin whispered back.

The dragon sheared off the mainmast with one swipe of its claws. Then it looked over the crew. Its eyes grew fantastically long lashes, and it scrutinized each man in turn. It picked up the beautiful blond helmsman, the muscular lookout, the impressively dignified first mate, and the doctor, peering at each in turn. Then it delicately flicked the doctor back onto the deck.

“Hey, what was that about?” the doctor yelled. He picked up his skullcap and settled it back atop his bald head and glared at the dragon through his thick dark glasses.

“Weird dragon,” Yahiko observed.

Cryburn stormed out, brandishing an enormous sword. “So you’ve appeared, sea dragon!” he cried. “I, the great Mickey Cryburn, will show you my mighty heaven-sent power!” He turned toward Kenshin. “Ayaka-san! Watch this!”

Kenshin facefaulted.

“Prepare to die!” Cryburn gave a mighty leap and stabbed the dragon in the paw holding the crew members. The beast shrieked, dropped the crewmen, and fell backwards into the sea.

Cryburn turned and waved. “Ayaka-san! Did you see that? I have slain the sea dragon!”

He hadn’t, of course, merely startled the creature and given it a minor injury. It rose from the water again, and this time it was angry.

“Behind you!” Kaoru yelled.

Cryburn postured. “Fool! Do you think you can attack the great Mickey Cryburn?”

The dragon smacked him down with a claw-tipped wing.

“Sheesh,” Yahiko muttered. “He sees it coming and still gets clobbered. Don’t marry him, Kenshin, or all your kids will be morons.”

The enraged dragon smashed her tail across the Soyokaze’s stern, sending Cryburn and Kenshin into the water.

LEVITATION!

Disguises forgotten, Kaoru and Misao dove into the sea and snatched the two of them from the depths.

“Kaoru-dono!” Kenshin gasped as they flew toward the shore. “That dragon is male de gozaru yo!”

“What were you looking at it down there for?” she demanded.

Sandoria loomed in front of them, and the dragon was closing on them fast. “Oh no!” Kaoru cried. “If we get spotted like this it’ll be all over!”

“Leave it to me!” Misao called.

DARK MIST!

Thick fog enveloped the town. “I don’t think anyone will spot us,” Kaoru said. “Good one, Misao.

The fog concealed them – but it also hid the rampaging dragon from the townsfolk. Behind them, people began to scream.

“Kaoru-dono,” Kenshin murmured, “we can’t ignore the dragon de gozaru yo.”

Kaoru sighed. “I thought you’d say that. Oh well, guess we don’t have a choice. Let’s go!” She and Misao dropped their burdens.

Cryburn collapsed like a sack of laundry, but Kenshin bounced off the ground and sprang into the air again, higher than the dragon’s head. In mid-leap he tore off most of the feminine blouse and tight blue skirt, and hastily bound a strip of discarded cloth around his hair. No one would mistake him for a girl now.

“Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu… Ryuu Tsui Sen!” The sakabatou rang against the dragon’s stone-hard flesh.

FLARE ARROW!

ELMEKIA LANCE!

Spears of energy pierced the dragon’s wings, stung its nose, and bounced harmlessly from its chest and throat.

“Wow, that thing’s tough!” Misao commented.

But the dragon didn’t follow up its attack. Instead, it produced a powder puff and mirror and started repairing its makeup!

Kenshin’s eyes narrowed. “Sessha has an idea. Kaoru-dono, can you get me up to its face?”

“Sure!” Kaoru replied.

RAY WING!

Lifting herself, she picked up Kenshin and soared aloft. When she reached the level of the dragon’s long-lashed eyes, she flung Kenshin in the beast’s direction.

The point of his sword pierced the dragon’s face, midway between its nostrils and its rouged and pursed lips. Kenshin dropped lightly to the ground, leaving his sakabatou imbedded in the dragon’s face. “Kaoru-dono! Channel a spell into the sakabatou!” He jumped out of the way of the dragon’s lashing tail.

Hmm… Kaoru thought. Something that’ll hurt it…

“Hurry, Kaoru-dono!” Kenshin dodged another swipe from the barbed tail.

Got it! Kaoru pointed her bokken at the dragon.

Source of all power,
Wind which sweeps across sky and earth,
Gather in my hand and give me strength.
DIGGER BOLT!

Lightning arced from her bokken to the sakabatou imbedded in the dragon’s flesh. The creature convulsed and shrieked in agony as its teeth shattered, crumbled and fell from its mouth. The powder-puff dropped from its hand, right on top of the unconscious Cryburn.

The dragon stopped, fingered its now-toothless maw with one red-tipped claw, and then fled the city as fast as it could go. It disappeared into the ocean depths to hide its shame in the dark waters.

“What the…?” Kaoru asked.

“It ran just because of that?” Misao wondered.

And so the adventurers found themselves once more aboard the Soyokaze, this time in their proper guises on an uneventful cruise to Sairaag.

“So that’s why you went after its face!” Misao exclaimed.

“Aa,” replied Kenshin. “Sessha has known men like that dragon, and most value their own beauty very highly.”

“So if ya messed up its face it’d quit fightin’?” Yahiko put in.

Kaoru looked Kenshin up and down. “Well, I guess you might know about that kind of thing.”

“ORO??”

Misao blinked. “By the way, what happened to Cryburn-san? I haven’t seen him since the dragon dropped his powder puff on him.”

“Whew!” Yahiko sighed. “Bet you won’t miss him, right, Kenshin?”

Behind them, a pile of sacks started rocking. They turned just as it fell over. Out crawled Mickey Cryburn, battered but undaunted. “Ayaka-san!” He headed straight for Kenshin. “Ayaka-san!”

“Oro…” Kenshin’s eyes turned to specks of amazement. “Sessha is a man…”

Cryburn peered closer. “I don’t care. You look enough like my Ayaka that I don’t care if you’re a man.”

Kenshin turned and fled, with the scarred warrior in hot pursuit.

Kaoru sweatdropped. “Looks like Kenshin’s troubles on this voyage are going to continue… but we’re almost to Sairaag. Still, who knows what else might happen?”

And in the Mountains of Tears…

“THEY’RE NOT COMING!” Sanosuke shouted through chattering teeth. Ice dropped from the end of his nose and stiffened his scarlet headband. His white hanten was no protection at all against the bitter wind.

“Just wait, Sano,” Katsu murmured.

The tall fighter was not convinced. “Chikusho, they’re not coming!” he cried. “CHIKUSHO!”

His voice echoed among the rocks and snowdrifts, unanswered.

NOTES, EXPLANATIONS ETC.

When an overaged bounty hunter took on Lina & Co. in the beginning of the source episode, I jumped at the chance to give Inspector Zenigata a cameo. “Tottsan” is what Lupin III calls the inspector; I felt I ought to give it to somebody and Yahiko was the likeliest candidate.

Shirahadori is the technique of stopping a blade with bare hands. In the late RK manga, Yahiko becomes a master of this technique.

This series is turning into a “kitchen sink” crossover, meaning that everything but the kitchen sink shows up in it. Not only did the Soyokaze admirably fit the need for a ship, but my daughter suggested casting Mickey Cryburn as the “hero” who is so persistently attracted to Gourry. My apologies to Karl Andressen for borrowing his companion. And the “sisters” are, of course, the exact opposite of their everyday selves. Kenshin is Ayaka Kisaragi from Yuu-Gen-Kai-Sha and Yahiko becomes Hotaru from Sailor Moon – not the forbidding Senshi of Silence, but Chibi-Usa’s fragile and demure young friend. And since everybody is the opposite of their usual selves, Kaoru (who would probably sell her soul to be able to cook) becomes Belldandy/Kasumi. Thanks to Luriko-Ysabeth for the suggestion.

Anyway, this is the end of the lunacy, at least for a while. Next chapter it’s back to fairly straight adventure, with some new cast members and the mystery in Kenshin’s past. O-tanoshimi ni!