At last we made it Seyruun! And we could finally say goodbye to Misao… at least that’s what I was expecting to do… but for some reason we found wanted posters of us in the city! Pretty soon all these self-proclaimed allies of justice started showing up to catch us. Hey, come on, Misao, you too? Also appearing were the amazingly suspicious-looking mahoutsukai Katsuhiro Tsukioka and his bounty-hunter partner Sanosuke Sagara. Could they be the ones who framed us? Our new enemy lives in Sairaag! Meaning we have to set off on a new journey… along with a newly-motivated Misao. Oh well, I wonder what new adventure awaits us!

Kaoru, Kenshin and Yahiko leaped out of the fireball’s blast radius and raced up the road, dodging arrows, thrown spears, and sharpened stakes that sprang out of the hard-packed surface. They were so busy dodging pointed objects that they missed the snare, and ended up dangling by their ankles from an overhanging tree.

A gang of ruffians materialized from the bushes. “We got ’em!” they cheered.

The leader pushed forward. “Well, two of ’em anyway; you boys missed the bitch with the braid. But I owe these two a big debt. Right, girlie?”

“I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure,” Kaoru retorted in an acid voice.

The bandit chief roared with laughter. “Listen to Miss Innocent! Look here, girlie. Me and my brother, we had a real good gang till you busted it up. Thanks to you my brother’s dead, my gang’s gone, and you even killed my pet dragon! And on account of the redheaded shrimp here, I can’t use a sword no more! Oh, it’s payback time!”

“The Dragon Fangs…” Kaoru whispered.

“Now all I gotta do is catch the bimbo that zaps people with lightning bolts!”

“I told ya, Goheh, this fight was ours!” said a new voice. Sanosuke Sagara pushed through the ranks of bandits, his companion Katsuhiro Tsukioka at his heels.

“Wait just a minute,” Goheh objected.

Sanosuke whipped the wrapping from his zanbatou. The bandit leader jumped back. The huge blade whistled through the air and sliced through the ropes holding Kaoru and her friends. They fell with a thud onto the road.

“Ow ow ow!” Kaoru moaned. “You ought to be nicer to girls! Otherwise you’ll never get dates!”

“How popular we are is beside the point,” Katsuhiro murmured. “Now, will you come with us to Sairaag?”

Kaoru stood up. “Nice getting an invitation for once, but I’ve had enough of this boring little trip. You creepy mahoutsukai! If we want to go to Sairaag, we’ll go by ourselves! Why do you have to keep chasing us?”

“Simply because our mission is to take you to Sairaag. To that end, we chose the most efficient means.”

“This really is the only way to do it,” Sanosuke added.

“Oh, so you were planning to do it this way from the start,” Kaoru smirked. “Kenshin,” she whispered.

“Hai, Kaoru-dono.” Kenshin’s sakabatou slid from its sheath with a soft hiss. His eyes narrowed to dangerous slits. Sanosuke stared back. Kaoru gripped her bokken. Magical energies danced along its wooden length. And then…

A loud growling noise echoed through the clearing. Sanosuke almost fell over. Kenshin turned around.

“I’m really hungry,” Kaoru admitted.

“So what’re we gonna do, busu?” demanded Yahiko.

“RETREAT!” Kaoru yelled, and took off backwards at top speed. Kenshin and Yahiko followed.

“HEY!” Goheh yelled. “No fair turning your backs on us!” He scratched his head. “Well, I guess you didn’t. Come back here, you! After them, everybody!” He and his men raced after the departing trio.

“Che,” Sano muttered. “Ridiculous.”

Misao paused at the crest of the hill and surveyed the countryside. “Where could Kaoru-san have gone?” she wondered. “And I bought so much stuff too.” She was carrying a pack as tall as herself and much broader, filled to bursting with sausages, cheese, bread, apples, and other good things to eat and drink. Then she spotted a rapidly-approaching dust cloud. “That must be them!” A little later, she was able to make out Kenshin, Kaoru and Yahiko, with a pack of what looked like bad guys in hot pursuit. “Hi there!” she called.

Kaoru paused and looked around to see where the voice was coming from.

“Hi, Kaoru-san! Up here!”

Kaoru looked up and spotted Misao. And there was only one thing that could mean. “Food!”

LEVITATION!

“No fair goin’ by yourself, busu!” snapped Yahiko.

“See you later, Yahiko-chan!”

“Don’t call me chan!” In a leap that would have done credit to Kenshin, he grabbed Kaoru’s ankles and hung on for dear life.

“Ow, let go, Yahiko! You’re heavy!”

The additional weight – and length – made it easy for Goheh to catch hold of Yahiko. “You won’t escape!” the bandit chief roared.

“Cut it out!” Kaoru screeched. With all her power she tried to gain altitude – but the higher she tried to fly, the more bandits she had to lift, until she was tethered to earth by a human chain whose sole purpose was to keep her away from the all-important FOOD.

“Oh-oh!” Misao said to herself. “Kaoru-san’s in trouble! Don’t worry, Kaoru-san! I’ll save you!”

Kaoru looked up in horror. “She… she wouldn’t!”

And Misao, still carrying the huge bundle of food, launched herself into space.

“Misao, don’t!” Kaoru yelled – too late. Misao’s foot smashed into her face, and Kaoru lost her concentration. The human chain toppled to the ground in a tangle of bodies, smashed bottles, and crushed bread.

“Victory!” the princess cheered from the top of the pile.

“I’ve had it with her,” Kaoru muttered from the bottom.

“Looks like the next town’s just over the mountain,” Misao remarked, peering at the map. “Let’s go straight and head right for the summit.”

Kaoru ignored her completely and kept walking.

“Umm… Kaoru-san?”

More silence.

“Come on, Kaoru-san!”

“I’m listening.” Kaoru turned around, her face drawn into a youkai’s snarl. “Why do you think I’m plodding along like this?”

“You’re scaring me!” Misao wailed.

“Misao-dono,” Kenshin tried to explain. “It’s best not to bother Kaoru-dono right now de gozaru yo.”

Misao blinked. “Huh? What do you mean?”

“It’s hard on her right now,” the rurouni went on. “You need to understand the kind of pain she feels.”

“Hint number one,” said Kaoru in a voice that could have etched metal, “because of those wanted posters, we can’t risk setting foot in even a small village.”

“Oh,” replied Misao, not really understanding.

“Hint number two. We gave you all our money to buy food with.”

“Oh, I get it. And I went and wasted all the food, right?” She stretched and crossed her arms behind her head, pleased to have finally understood the problem.

Kaoru’s stomach growled again, loud enough to startle the birds from the trees. “So if you understand, just shut up and walk!” she screeched, and beat Misao over the head with her bokken. “People get cranky when they’re hungry!”

“I get it! I get it!” Misao sobbed.

“So shut up already!”

“Kaoru-dono!” Kenshin’s low, quiet voice cut through their quarrel like edged steel.

“What…” asked Kaoru – and then her nose started to twitch. “I smell something…” she murmured, “something delicious!”

“We’re so hungry we’re hallucinating,” Yahiko sighed.

“Hallucinating a smell?” Misao asked. “But I can smell something good too.”

“Is it roast chicken? Turkey? Maybe quail? It’s really well prepared, too, with garlic and herbs…” Kaoru followed her nose to the edge of the clearing. “That way!” Everybody spotted the cave at once. The aroma wafting from it was nearly visible.

“There we go, Hiruma’s special roast chicken,” Goheh gloated, fanning the fowl to drive its mouth-watering scent out of the cave. “When they come following the smell we’ll have them!”

“Wow, this is a really deep cave,” Misao observed. “I wonder how far it goes?”

In front of them stood a strange man. He had white hair, a mustache, and a little pointy beard. He wore a white suit and a black string tie, and in his hands he held a platter of delicious-smelling, crispy, golden roast chicken.

“There it is!” cried Kaoru, Yahiko and Misao.

“Wait, Kaoru-dono! It could be a trap de gozaru yo!”

“I-ta-da-ki-maaaasu!” chanted the three starving adventurers, and charged toward the old man – who turned and ran. Then they saw who had been hiding behind him.

Katsuhiro Tsukioka extended his right hand and intoned a single word.

GOLEM!

The stones of the cave floor rose up in menacing humanoid shapes and lumbered toward Kaoru and her companions.

They weren’t having any. Bokken, shinai, fists and feet flew. They smashed through the animated rocks. “Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!”

“I don’t like the weird look in their eyes.” Goheh’s fake goatee had fallen off and his wig was askew; his immaculate white suit was covered with mud and rock dust. He threw the chicken aside and bolted.

“Mine!” cried Kaoru, and snatched up the roasted fowl.

“Hey, I’m a growing boy!” yelled Yahiko.

“Haven’t you ever heard of ladies first?” snarled Misao.

“Who’s a lady?” Yahiko retorted.

“I’ll teach you to ignore me!” Katsu sputtered, and fired a spell up the corridor.

There was a rumbling sound. It grew closer. The earth beneath them trembled.

“Oro?” Kenshin turned around.

“Huh?” Kaoru, Yahiko and Misao looked up.

Katsu quietly levitated out of harm’s way.

The rumbling grew closer. A huge ball of stone filled the passage, heading straight toward them – fast!

It was too big for Kenshin to slice apart with his sakabatou, and even if he did, the pieces would still hit his companions – so he did the only thing he could. He ran.

Kaoru and Misao took off hot on his heels. Yahiko, ever practical, paused to snatch up the discarded chicken – but quickly outdistanced the others. They made it out of the cave and collapsed on the grass outside. The stone sphere shot out of the cave mouth like a cork from a bottle. It went straight up – but whatever goes up comes down, and it looked like it was going to come down on top of them!

Kaoru plunged her bokken into the ground.

Earth below me, submit to my will!
DUG HAUT!

A column of rock shot up and caught the descending stone, like a huge game of cup-and-ball. She breathed a silent thank-you to Aoshi for showing her the technique.

“Kaoru-san! Watch out!” cried Misao.

A rain of ice-spears struck all around them and the stone ball toppled from its precarious perch, fortunately missing Kaoru and her friends. “Heh heh heh,” Katsu chuckled, standing on air above the destruction, and extended his hand to cast another spell.

“Mou, doesn’t he ever give up?” Kaoru grumbled.

FLARE ARROW!

It dissipated harmlessly against Katsu’s hastily-summoned shield.

No good. I don’t have any power when I’m this hungry.

DIEM WING!

The instant she released the energy bolt, she grabbed Kenshin and ran for dear life.

“Kaoru-san, all you’re doing is running away!” Misao objected.

“I know!” Kaoru retorted. RAY WING! She rose into the air, skimming toward the river, with the hapless Kenshin in tow.

RAY WING! Misao echoed, carrying Yahiko.

They landed on a small log raft, barely big enough for the four of them. The impact broke it free of its moorings and sent it out into the river’s swift current. “This’ll get us downstream fast!” Kaoru observed.

Downstream, Goheh gripped his staff and turned to his remaining men. “They’ll be coming by here any time! Don’t let them escape!”

But the bandits were watching the road, not the river. “Yoo-hoo!” Kaoru and Misao waved as they sped by. The bandits waved enthusiastically at the two pretty girls – until they realized that the girls were their prey.

“Bye bye!” Kaoru called back to them.

The gang raced along the river path. “Come back here, you little…!” Spears and arrows flew out of the bushes into their ranks, a spiked ball knocked several into the river, and Goheh himself blundered into a net trap. “We’ll get you for this!” His rage didn’t sound very effective, considering that he was hanging by his ankles with his beard falling over his face. His kimono had ended up around his ample waist, revealing a fundoshi printed with cute fuzzy kitties.

Kaoru shook her head. “Stupid enough to get caught in his own trap,” she sighed.

“Whee!” cried Misao. “At this rate we’ll be in the next town in no time!”

“Kaoru-dono, don’t you think finding this raft was a little too convenient de gozaru ka?” Kenshin asked.

“You think this is a trap too?” she asked. “Mou, Kenshin, you think too much. Anyway, once we get to the next town…”

“We get to eat real food!” Yahiko interrupted.

“Real food,” Misao echoed with a starry-eyed sigh.

They rounded a bend in the river, and found themselves in a forest of ice! Their tiny raft was hemmed in by frigid pillars, and above them stood Katsu, his mauve haori floating in the breeze.

“Oh, you stubborn, pushy… would you just CUT IT OUT?!” Kaoru screeched.

DIGGER BOLT!

She collapsed onto the logs. “Did I get him this time?”

It looked like it. “Sou de gozaru yo,” Kenshin reassured her. He severed one of the pillars with a lightning stroke of his sakabatou, and they were on their way once again – for a little while.

Misao pointed downstream. “Kaoru-san, what’s that?”

High overhead, in the middle of a bridge spanning the deep gorge, stood Sanosuke Sagara. The wind molded his white hanten to his body and whipped the ends of his red headband out to the side. “So you finally showed up!” he laughed. “I was gettin’ kinda bored!”

Kaoru glared. Kenshin’s hand went to the hilt of his sakabatou. Sanosuke tossed his zanbatou’s wrappings aside and leaped off the bridge! Yahiko gasped.

“Don’t worry,” Misao smirked. “That trick never works.”

True enough, Sano landed in the water several feet in front of the raft.

“No kidding,” Yahiko remarked.

“Sou de gozaru yo,” Kenshin added.

They passed over the spot where the tall fighter had gone into the river. The water began to bubble… and Sano reappeared, looking like he was standing on the water!

“Oro?” Kenshin blinked.

“He’s no mahoutsukai!” Yahiko exclaimed.

Sanosuke was moving toward them – fast. Then they saw why – he was riding on the back of an enormous fish! Not even a fish-man like the unlamented Noonsa, but a gigantic pike with a long, eely body and a mouthful of needle-sharp fangs.

“Now that’s just plain dumb,” Yahiko muttered.

He didn’t think it was quite so dumb when Sano leaped from the fish’s back onto the raft. The little craft rocked under his weight, and everyone scrambled out of the way of the tall fighter’s furious attack on Kenshin.

“Not here!” Kaoru yelped. “Cut it out before I get killed!” She ducked under a zanbatou slash that would have beheaded her if it had connected. Misao and Yahiko threw themselves to the logs and tried to be very, very flat.

The fish swam closer to the raft and opened its vast, fanged maw. Kaoru gave it a vicious kick. “I HATE FISH!” she yelled. Mou, that thing smells just like Noonsa!

“NO!” Misao abruptly screamed. They turned around. She was pointing ahead to where the river suddenly – ended.

“Why does this keep happening to us?” Kaoru wailed as they plummeted over the waterfall. She plunged into the clear, cold depths – pursued by the fish, who was just as persistent as Noonsa in spite of being more hungry than amorous. Oh no, I can’t beat him in an underwater fight! But out of the water… she shot skyward, with the fish right behind her.

You who crosses between sky and earth,
gently flowing water,
gather in my hand and give me power!
DEMONA CRYSTAL!

An icy torrent poured down onto the hapless fish, freezing him instantly. Its body smashed into the river’s ice-covered surface and shattered. Kaoru also fell into the freezing river, but managed to crawl onto the bank.

Amid the ice floes, Kenshin and Sano were still battling on the raft. In the confined area, Sano had discarded his zanbatou in favor of fists. He was unable to penetrate Kenshin’s defense, but at the same time Kenshin had few options in the limited space, and was spending so much effort blocking that he was unable to attack.

“This never ends,” Kaoru sighed.

“No, it’s just beginning,” said a quiet voice behind her. Katsuhiro Tsukioka held Misao in a choke-hold. The girl struggled with all her might, but couldn’t move his arm any more than she could shift an iron bar. “Shall we end this ridiculous chase?”

“Misao!” Kaoru cried.

“Kaoru-san!”

“Either agree to come with me to Sairaag, or I will kill the girl,” Katsu murmured.

Kaoru looked exasperated. “Mou! Come on, threatening me with a girl hostage? Even third-rate mahoutsukai don’t do that any more!”

“I said you were forcing my hand, didn’t I?” Katsu purred.

“I don’t care about that!” Kaoru shouted. “But you’re trying to force my hand and that makes me really mad!”

“That’s it, Kaoru-san!” Misao cheered. “Forget me, just get the bad guys!”

“Sure!” Kaoru retorted. “Fine, whatever you say!” She raised her bokken; it glowed with ominous crimson light.

“Noooo!” wailed Misao as Kaoru began her incantation.

Darkness beyond twilight,
crimson beyond blood that flows,
buried in the flow of time...

With a supreme effort, Misao freed herself from Katsu’s grip. The mahoutsukai let her go, gazing imperturbably at Kaoru.

In thy great name I pledge myself to Darkness.
All the fools that stand in our way
shall be destroyed by the power
that you and I possess!

“Sano! Jump!” Kenshin leaped into the water.

“This is overdoing it!” Misao gasped, swimming away for all she was worth.

“You ain’t kiddin’!” Yahiko agreed, right behind her.

DRAGON SLAVE!

The spell’s explosion, in the confined space of the gorge, drowned out Katsu’s dying scream.

When everyone could see and hear again, the landscape had been radically changed. The waterfall was gone; instead, the river flowed down a steep incline into a perfectly circular lake with a little stone island in the exact center.

One of the raft’s timbers had wedged into the lake’s steep banks, pinning Sanosuke by his hanten and revealing that he wore the kanji “aku” on his back. “Don’t think you’ve beaten us!” he yelled. Then the log gave way and Sano fell into the lake with a tremendous splash.

The reconstructed raft – a little smaller – made its way down the river.

“Oi, Kaoru!” Yahiko demanded. “How far to the next town?”

“How should I know?” Kaoru grumped. “Ask Misao, she’s got the map.”

“The map’s ruined,” Misao whimpered, pulling out a sodden roll of parchment from which all the ink had been washed.

“I’m so hungry!” Kaoru whined. “I haven’t had anything to eat today!”

“Maybe we shoulda let those guys take us to Sairaag,” Yahiko grumbled.

“They were pushy, Yahiko-chan. Pushy guys never get girls.”

“Don’t call me chan, busu!”

Sairaag… Kenshin stared into the placid water.

And so we let the endless flow of the river carry us along to Sairaag, our ultimate goal. But no matter where it takes us tomorrow… we’re really hungry!

NOTES, EXPLANATIONS ETC.

Okay… don’t worry about Katsu, minna, there’s more where he came from – like having a backup on zipdisc, ne?

Goheh and his silly fundoshi… it’s a running gag that just sort of happened.

From here on it just gets sillier… at least until Our Heroes get to Sairaag. Watch for special guest appearances!